This Land

MEMO

TO:  Citizens of Tulsa
FROM:  Mayor Dewey F. Bartlett Jr.
RE:  Arkansas River

Dear Taxpayers,

I have come to the conclusion that in order to make our city a more attractive location for future development, we must fill our river with water.

Truth be told, this wasn’t a difficult decision.  As it turns out, a simple pro and con list was all I needed.  I mean, we’re not re-writing tax code here.

In the interest of transparency, I have decided to publish my research on the matter:

Flood it!

• Natural beauty.
• Chance to win Oklahoma Magazine’s Annual “Best Urban River Development” Award.  (Currently held by OKC’s Bricktown, a bar and restaurant hub cleaved by a 3-foot-deep drainage ditch.)
• Great way to steal some of that coveted Branson tourism revenue.
• Likely birthplace of new extreme sport: Barefoot Fishing.
• Okie Noodling Regional Site.
• Potential to develop into major North American shipping hub like Cleveland, OH, or Shreveport, LA.
• Attractive to Okie-themed development.  (ex: Toby Keith’s I Love This Sand Bar & Grill)
• Tubing!
• Increase in spring break-related revenue as Tulsa attempts to re-brand itself “North Padre Island.”
• General feeling of relief knowing that there is a more permanent barrier between ourselves and the citizens of Jenks.
• Reflections from annual fireworks display create a doubling effect, which looks really cool.

Dam(n) it!

• Likely disposal site for murdered Tulsans.
• Push from local government for rights to drill “offshore.”
•  Water distracts joggers/cyclists on River Parks Trail, leading to unnecessary amount of sports-related injuries.
• Swiftness of river current makes it nearly impossible to retrieve your frisbee after errant toss.
• Overuse of city’s emergency crews as local TU fraternity members attempt to brave Zink Falls in nothing but a really expensive rowing scull.
• Nearby refineries unable to resist the temptation to pollute.
• River peppered with obnoxious personal watercraft.
• Water’s inherent meditative and calming effect makes it difficult to maintain heart rate while rollerblading on River Park Trail.
• Probable drowning increase as citizens from neighboring communities attempt to immigrate.
• Threat of submarine attack.
• ORU students dressed in period clothing constantly using river to re-enact baptism of Christ.