Hunting for a Mayor

by Beau Adams


I have been reading a good deal in the news recently about your problems with our Mayor. The litany of charges you have brought against him read like the rap sheet of a career felon: the failure to make and keep timely appointments, his acceptance of free gifts and the creation of e-mail accounts for his wife. This is, indeed, sordid stuff.

As a concerned citizen and occasional taxpayer, I feel it is my duty to offer some guidance. I have a suggestion that may at first seem radical, but, when given adequate consideration, might just be the best plan of action for the citizens of Tulsa. My solution is simple: hunt the Mayor.

That’s right, hunt him for sport and for the good of Tulsa. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “We need a recall. Let the taxpayers decide by exercising their right to vote.” Well, with all due respect to the Council, I say, “We’re getting tired of pulling our levers, and now we’re in the mood for a little frontier justice.”

Besides, what I propose is not some barbaric act. Its very origins are based in literature and probably the Bible too. As this would be a sporting event, it would require ground rules:

Rule #1: The Mayor will be armed.

The Mayor shall have at his disposal a ration of food, armament equal to his fellow competitors and a one-hour head start. This should give him adequate time to order all of the street lights to be extinguished so that he might disappear into the long shadows of dusk, not to mention gain style points for saving the taxpayers a considerable amount of money. The hunt will be conducted entirely on foot within the Inner Dispersal Loop of Downtown Tulsa, requiring the temporary closing of at least four restaurants and the removal of nearly three dozen residents from the area. Barricades will be installed within the confines of I-244, giving the event a “steel cage death match” sort of vibe.

Rule #2: No more than one Council Member will be allowed to hunt the Mayor at any given time.

This is not an ambush. The Council Members will hunt in shifts. Nine Council Members over 72 hours—one per 8-hour shift. Council Members competing beyond 8 hours will not be eligible for overtime, but may be subject to disqualification. If a Council Member is “removed” before the end of his or her shift, it may provide much needed rest and time for tactical maneuvering on the part of the Mayor.

Rule #3: To the victor go the spoils.

If the Mayor is bested within a three-day period, the Council shall get its wish and hire a City Manager, hereby effectively changing the structure of our City Government. However, if the Members of the Council fail to “unseat” the Mayor in 72 hours, he may remain in his position and appoint his next group of peers, which may bear a striking resemblance to the board of directors at Keener Oil and Gas.

Think of the pageantry, think of the intrigue, think of the revenue dollars!

Did I mention that the match would be a televised pay-per-view event? All contestants will be outfitted with miniature helmet cams to provide the type of hand-held filming experience that the majority of television viewers are now addicted to and believe lends a certain sense of authenticity to a program.

When the dust has settled and the last of the camera crews have packed up and left town, we will have solved our city’s government issue, opened the corridors of development to outside investors and made a fortune off of merchandise, advertising and television rights. But, most importantly, we will have sent the message to future elected officials that, if you plan to use taxpayer monies to print business cards for your spouse, you will be hunted down like a dog in the streets.

Your Brother in Civic Responsibility,

Beau M. Adams

Note: This article originally published April 29, 2011