TO: Citizens of Tulsa
FROM: Mayor Dewey F. Bartlett Jr.
RE: Arkansas River
I have come to the conclusion that in order to make our city a more attractive location for future development, we must fill our river with water.
Truth be told, this wasn’t a difficult decision. As it turns out, a simple pro and con list was all I needed. I mean, we’re not re-writing tax code here.
In the interest of transparency, I have decided to publish my research on the matter:
- Natural beauty.
- Chance to win Oklahoma Magazine’s Annual “Best Urban River Development” Award. (Currently held by OKC’s Bricktown, a bar and restaurant hub cleaved by a 3-foot-deep drainage ditch.)
- Great way to steal some of that coveted Branson tourism revenue.
- Likely birthplace of new extreme sport: Barefoot Fishing.
- Okie Noodling Regional Site.
- Potential to develop into major North American shipping hub like Cleveland, OH, or Shreveport, LA.
- Attractive to Okie-themed development. (ex: Toby Keith’s I Love This Sand Bar & Grill)
- Increase in spring break-related revenue as Tulsa attempts to re-brand itself “North Padre Island.”
- General feeling of relief knowing that there is a more permanent barrier between ourselves and the citizens of Jenks.
- Reflections from annual fireworks display create a doubling effect, which looks really cool.
- Likely disposal site for murdered Tulsans.
- Push from local government for rights to drill “offshore.”
- Water distracts joggers/cyclists on River Parks Trail, leading to unnecessary amount of sports-related injuries.
- Swiftness of river current makes it nearly impossible to retrieve your frisbee after errant toss.
- Overuse of city’s emergency crews as local TU fraternity members attempt to brave Zink Falls in nothing but a really expensive rowing scull.
- Nearby refineries unable to resist the temptation to pollute.
- River peppered with obnoxious personal watercraft.
- Water’s inherent meditative and calming effect makes it difficult to maintain heart rate while rollerblading on River Park Trail.
- Probable drowning increase as citizens from neighboring communities attempt to immigrate.
- Threat of submarine attack.
- ORU students dressed in period clothing constantly using river to re-enact baptism of Christ.