ME HEAD: Dr. Gene’s French Kissing FAQ’s

by Dr. Gene Fitzgerald


The following is an excerpt from Me Head:

Q: Why is it called “French” kissing and not “Nigerian” kissing or some other country?
A: It is an historical fact that the French have always been the first to put any object into their mouths. Another person’s tongue was merely a statistical inevitability. Of course, once a French person’s tried something, the entire world follows, just like with fashion.

Q: Can I get AIDS by French kissing?
A: You can get everything by French kissing if you aren’t careful—even if the object of your kiss isn’t a carrier. In my experimental days, I once French kissed an Englishwoman and couldn’t pronounce my H’s for a week.

Q: Should I French kiss someone with braces?
A: Absolutely not. Braces and retainers are constructed from the same heavy-duty razor wire that surrounds most maximum security prisons. I know people who have lost both lips and parts of their jaw in a fiercely passionate embrace with a metalmouth.

Q: Does French kissing require two tongues?
A: Society often misleads us with general assumptions, the “two-tongued notion” being one of them. Some of my most enjoyable kisses involved persons with no tongues, partial tongues, several defective tongues, and even artificial tongues.

Q: Is person-to-person the only kind of French kissing?
A: Another common misconception is the idea that only humans French kiss. This is simply not true. In addition to 300 different carbon-based life forms, I have technically French kissed more than 2,000 inanimate objects, ranging from doorknobs to ATM machines.

Q: How much should I charge for a French kiss?
A: That depends on a few different factors: duration, tongue elasticity, and complexity. Specialty Frenching (i.e. teeth licking) often involves surcharges and sometimes a retainer’s fee. Professional French Kissers get anywhere from $20 to $200 dollars for a standard French kiss lasting 15–20 seconds.

Q: Where can I find a professional French kisser?
A: One of the best places in my experiences is retirement homes. The prices are usually extremely fair, and you get years of experience from real industry pros. Some even offer denture-less services for a few extra dollars.

ME HEAD was a free-press zine that was launched in 2000 and distributed in Tulsa, Dallas, Austin, and Phoenix. It featured early works from several writers who have since contributed to This Land. During peak periods of its brief circulation, it boasted 300,000 online readers a month. Only three of the six issues were circulated in print. In 2013, This Land Press will publish the collected works of Me Head.